Hi! I Am Self Absorbed!

How are you?

Really... I mean that.

How ARE you? Sometimes people say that and don't really want to know. This is makes for terrific awkwardness, as no one wants to suddenly realize that the painful rectal itch they've just mentioned was not well received in conversation. The inability to read the intent of the inquiring conversant makes for blithe, meaningless words. In order to play it safe, you might just posture and make say all sorts of foolishness, like:

• Good: Are you that ready to break into that level of qualitative assessment so early? Seems a bit premature that such an ejaculation, but I wouldn't presume to know. I mean really... Goodness? Proclaiming it outright, just like that? Summarily? Thats a little ballsy in my book. This answer from an unsuspecting miscreant is the worst... I suddenly am torn between conversing and investigating this alleged 'Goodness'.
• Fine: Another in similar context. You're 'fine'. Ok... What would you say to me assessing you as honestly a bit coarse? I mean if you drink beer out of a can, its it ever possible to be fine? Or a think of delicacy for that matter... Seriously? Don't make me talk about finery. Don't do it. The only saving grace of this word is the potential to mean 'unique'... 'rare'. That I would buy... If only the other person did too. That could make me digress on my initial digression and move into the area of equality and the misuse of that word. A load of populist savagery that one has become... But perhaps we'll tackle that another day.
• "Ok": I'm sorry... THIS IS NOT A WORD! Its origins are suspect to begin with. Its a statement of mediocrity. Ambivalence, or worst; carelessness. Burping in response to the question ("How are you") has more real emotional intent. Don't give a damn? Tell'em you're ok, ok?
• Well: This is my favorite, not simply because it is grammatically correct, but because of its tremendous flexibility. A sea of ambiguity wherein you are free to work:
  • Well...: The basic statement of health.
  • wHell! ...: There is a story coming.
  • -Whale? ...: You're just not sure.
  • weLL? ..: I guess this is it... Resigned.

In general, 'well' has the utility of 'set' right away in the beginning of conversation. Versatile... noncommital... ambiguous. Love that. And getting back to the point before I actually made a point, to the first digression, you don't really care... Do you?

Please don't take this the wrong way. But of the percentage of encounters wherein you actually inquire as to the wellbeing of the other, how often do you mean it? You know... That feeling of excitement: "Hey! How ARE you?" Most of the time its the same tone reserved for hotel conventions and the social time allotted to 'mixing'. "How are you?" is a lifeless, tired thing for me in that place. I'm not sure I want to know... Less sure I want to ask... And I sound like a petulent toddler being told to say he's sorry.

And so, perhaps this is nearing the heart of the matter: care. It should seem impolite to not inquire into the wellbeing of someone you happen upon. Yet is it less impolite to not care and still ask?

Why should you? There is an infinity of things upon which to engage in this moment. Places to go, things to do, stuff to remember. Maybe that's max capacity, or you think it is... Because its the realm of the known? Because it cannot be fully attended? Because your own navel seems so much more appealing?

No. That just feels wrong. So why not care? What is the risk? That you may see your humanity in that person loathed in a glance? Because the stunning exterior of that person is shiny like their hairspray and it makes you wonder about what you are not? Because you don't want to be summarily rejected? Because you don't want to see the paltry differences separating you from me. You and I... I realize I am talking about me here. Not you... Sort of a quaint irony.

I am left to revisit a conversation with my own child about food. My daughter didn't want to try something new because she didn't know what it would be like. Would she like it? Would she hate it? Rather than risk the best, she accepted the worst: nothing. I pointed out how she seemed eager enough to get off of soy formula as a baby in exchange for real food. And if she didn't care to know, she never would.

And looking back at these words, I can only laugh. There's something funny about this to me. Maybe that I orginally started to a letter to a friend and these words turned into a rediculous monologue. Consider this in a letter... now you know what its like to get one from me. I laughed, because I see frankly I do this a lot in a certain grade of company. Not intimate acquaintance... but people I like. In fact I do it all the time... I think I made a career of it... this nervous tick. Monologuing. Distracting. Amusing. Irritating. To be honest, I always thought it was about someone other than me. Its not. Its all about me. I guess I am just self absorbed. We probably have a lot in common...

So...

How are you?

I'm well.